Clara's Sad ( Part 2 )
by xoOhMyStarsxo
Summary: "Why are you here?" "You're upset, where else would I be?"


Clara decided music was the way to go today to distract herself from her thoughts, she felt incredibly unsettled. She kept changing position from sitting on the floor to sitting on the bed and she had no idea what to do with her legs. She knew what she wanted to do, she'd like to cut right down the middle of the bottom of one of her legs and that's why she was listening to music, to distract herself. Her mind feels odd today, odder than usual. Her mind is doing what it normally does, it's making her do things and she has no idea why. She'd already done her normal trick of pacing which of course made her more anxious again. She finds herself getting more frustrated with herself today, hence why she was thinking about self-harming but at the moment she took her frustration out on her hair. She took a piece and twirled it around her fingers "When did you get so dry?" She asked herself. She really must do a better job of looking after herself, she barely eats these days although sometimes it seems like a good idea but most of the time she despises herself for it. She ends up with very little energy leaving her lethargic a lot of the time which annoys her. She was just an annoying, frustrating individual. She was in her room on The Tardis today; she was atleast glad of that fact. The Doctor was less likely to go looking for her in her room, he'd probably think she was asleep and she didn't particularly want another library incident. Oh how appealing sleep sounded but once again she knew that wouldn't be easy to come by, if she was going to sleep anywhere she'd probably have to sleep on the floor. She didn't like beds anymore; they put too much pressure on her.

She should really get more uplifting music; she decides as she repeatedly presses the shuffle button on her phone, she did not need any depressing music right now. The need for alcohol was strong again, maybe just a glass of wine to make her head feel a little dizzy. She didn't want a spirit today, a spirit was for when she was sad, wine was for when she was unsettled. She was sure that she'd left some in the fridge. She ripped the headphones out of her ear and cautiously stuck her head out of her bedroom, deserted corridors, good. Run or walk, run or walk? Running could attract more attention to her if she did indeed bump into the Doctor but she could get back quicker so she ran down the corridor into the Tardis' kitchen. She'd forgotten how big it was, she hadn't been here in a while. She contemplated getting a glass but decided against it, a couple of swigs from the bottle would set her right, always white wine not red. Red tasted like vinegar and Clara didn't need anything else to make her feel sick. She dashed back to her room, she assumed The Doctor was in the console room but she didn't know for sure. She didn't want to run into him right now.

She leant back against the pillows and took a large gulp of wine; she savoured the taste as the cold liquid made its way down her throat. Wine was a good thing. She downed more of the wine and quickly felt it go to her head, the lack of food she had consumed and how tired she felt would make the alcohol hit her system quicker. She repeatedly tapped the side of the bottle and scorned herself; it was making her more anxious. What annoyed Clara was that she had no idea what she was anxious about, she just was. She moved her bin closer to the bed, with this little inside her she was sure to be sick later on if she kept drinking at this pace and she knew she would, alcohol was always a slippery slope for Clara. She slid off her bed and lay down underneath it, there was just about space for to lie down without hitting her head. She hit against the frame of the bed and again scorned herself, why did she do these things? She turned and reached for the wine bottle she had placed on the floor and carefully tipped some into her mouth, she really did not want to spill any right now.

Clara wasn't entirely sure she liked it under there, the sound of her breathing reverberated off the metal frame and it was too quick. Clara knew she was going to work herself up into a panic attack but still she couldn't find the strength to move. She chugged back a load more wine and willed it to work. She scrambled quickly out from under the bed as she felt the first wave of vomit hit her; she stood up and found herself feeling incredibly dizzy. She fell back onto her bed, the bed springs making a slighter louder noise than she would have wanted. She just felt numb now, that was how alcohol made her feel and that was perhaps the worst feeling of all but still she drunk more.

"You might as well get another bottle Clara"

She jumped slightly "How long have you been there?" He was stood at the frame of her door.

"Long enough, are you alright?"

"I think you already know the answer to that don't you?" Her words weren't exactly slurred, they were just lazy.

"Can I help?"

"You could get me another bottle" He nodded and slipped away to the kitchen, he would do whatever Clara wanted when she was in one of these moods. He didn't want to do anything to upset her and he knew that Clara understood more about these feelings than he did.

Her head felt heavy as she lay it back on the pillows " It might help me fall asleep" She told The Doctor as she placed the bottle on the floor next to her . He didn't really know what to do, he hadn't had a lot of experience with dealing with people when they were sad and even less experience of dealing with people when they were drunk and even then they were normally happy drunk, Clara was very far from being happily drunk.

"Clara you're breathing too quickly" He took a seat on the bed next to her.

"I know but I can't stop it from happening" She took another swig of wine.

"Drinking won't help"

"It might"

"You know if you drink too much then you won't be able to fall asleep because you'll feel sick"

"Good point, I don't feel sick yet. My head just hurts"

"Why do you have to reach that stage?"

"Because that's my limit, I have to reach my limit"

"Why?"

"That's when my distraction ends and that's when we're all in shit" She laughed "I have to laugh otherwise I'll cry too much"

"Clara" The Doctor put his arm around her waist and pulled her against him "Just stay here, don't drink anymore atleast not for a little while"

Clara rested her head on his side "But this isn't over yet, not by a long way"

He stroked the side of her face "Just shh ok, just shh"

She felt instantly more sober as she touched her "You're too good to me Doctor, my friend, my best friend. You deserve more than a waste of space like me"

"You need to cry Clara" He could see tears prickling away at the corner of her eyes.

"I don't want to cry. Can I have a drink now?"

"A little one"

She took a smaller gulp and lay her head back down on his chest "Why are you here?"

"You're upset, where else would I be?"

Clara sat up and placed a lingering kiss on his lips "I don't deserve you" She pulled the Doctor's arm tighter around her waist and buried her head into his chest and she began to cry.

"I don't know why this happens to me"

The Doctor stroked his fingers down her arm "It's ok Clara, it's going to be ok"

She eventually calmed herself down, she kept her face buried in his chest as soothing feeling of his chest rising and falling underneath her "I'm sorry Doctor" She muttered.

"It's alright Clara, just close your eyes and get some sleep"

She snored contently, the alcohol in her system clearly making a difference. He turned her head to face him "Clara, my Clara. You are stronger than you know"


End file.
